Can you remember a time when you met someone for the first time and it just seems to click? An instant bond between the two of you, an instant ‘like-ability’ or trust. You can literally FEEL, that connection!

That connection is called Rapport! It is the basis and foundation for every meaningful interaction between two or more people. Rapport is about establishing an environment of trust and understanding, to respect and honor the other person’s world. This allows the person the freedom to fully express their ideas and feelings and know they’ll be respected and appreciated by you. Rapport creates the space for the person to feel listened and responded to, even when you dis-agree with what the other person says or does. Each person appreciates the other’s viewpoint and respects their model of the world. When you are in rapport with another person, you have the opportunity to enter their world and see things from their perspective, feel the way they do, get a better understanding of where they are coming from; and as a result, enhance the whole relationship.

A 1970 study conducted by Dr. Ray Birdwhistle at the University of Pennsylvania concluded that 93% of our communication transpires non-verbally and unconscious. 55% of our communication is our physiology or body language, 38% is tonality or HOW we say our words, and only 7% is the content or words we choose to speak.

Researchers at the Boston University Medical School studied films of people having conversations. The researchers noticed that the people talking began (unconsciously) to co-ordinate their movements (including finger movements, eye blinks and head nods.) When they were being monitored using electroencephalographs, they found some of their brain waves were spiking at the same moment also. As the conversations progressed, these people were getting into a deeper level rapport with each other, and didn’t even have a clue to what was going on, this is because we communicate our ideas and concepts at this 93% UN-conscious level, but believe the words we speak actually hold the meaning to our communication.

NLP rapport skills teach us how to communicate at that unconscious level. Mirroring, matching, pacing and leading skills will enable you to become “like” the other person. Anthony Robbins stated: “People like each other when they tend to be like each other.” NLP teaches how to mirror and match that 55% physiology, 38% tonality and 7% predicates or process words.

The key to establishing rapport is an ability to enter another person’s world by assuming a similar state of mind. The first thing to do is to become more like the other person by matching and mirroring the person’s behaviors — body language, voice, words etc. Matching and mirroring is a powerful way of getting an appreciation of how the other person is seeing/experiencing the world.

Some people find the idea of matching another person uncomfortable and they feel that they are trying to fool or take advantage of the other person. To overcome this uneasiness, realize that matching is a natural part of the rapport building process and that you are doing it unconsciously every day with your close family and friends. Each day gradually increase your conscious use of matching at a pace that is comfortable and ethical for you. Matching done with integrity and respect creates positive feelings and responses in you and others. Rapport is the ability to enter someone else’s world, to make him feel you understand him, and that there is a strong connection between the two of you.

The purpose of the following exercises is to provide some experience with the basic processes and procedures of modeling. They primarily focus on the information gathering phase of the modeling process, and cover a range of modeling skills, including “implicit” and “explicit” modeling formats, and the use of multiple perceptual positions to gather different types and levels of information about a particular performance.

Mirroring Exercise

Mirroring is a method of building a strong “second position” with someone else. It is a fundamental skill for modeling another person and for developing intuitions about the person’s internal experience. To get a sense of the influence and effects of mirroring, try out the following exercise.

1. Choose a partner, or person to converse with. Do not tell the person initially that you will be mirroring him or her during the conversation.

2. Enter into a conversation with the person, asking for his or her opinions about various subjects.

3. As you are conversing, begin to subtly mirror the other person’s physiology (including voice tone and tempo). [Hint: This can be most easily done in the context of 'active listening'; that is, reflecting back statements the person has made, by commenting, "So what you are saying is....", and then stating your understanding of the person's opinion.]

4. When you are fully mirroring, you will be sitting in the same posture, using the same types of gestures, speaking at a similar speed and volume, and in a similar voice tone range, as the other person. If you are completely mirroring the other person, you may even be breathing at the same rate and pattern as the other. Notice how it feels when you have reached this level of deep rapport.

5. One way to test your degree of rapport is by “second guessing” the other person’s opinion on a couple of subjects that you have not yet discussed. Often mirroring will give you access to information that is being unconsciously communicated and received, and you will “pick up” information about the other person without being consciously aware of how you got it. This is why mirroring is such a powerful tool for modeling.

6. To get another sense of the influence mirroring and matching has on your interaction; try out abruptly mismatching the other person, in posture, gestures, voice tone and breathing. Both you and your partner should experience quite a jolt if you do this, and feel as if your quality of rapport has changed dramatically.

7. Before concluding your conversation and letting your partner in on what you were doing, make sure you have reestablished rapport by once again physically mirroring your partner.
One way to help rapport to develop is to mirror the micro-behaviors of those we wish to influence. Any observable behavior can be mirrored, for example:

Body posture

Spinal alignment

Hand gestures

Head tilt

Blink rate

Facial expression

Energy level

Breathing rate

Vocal qualities (volume, tonality, rhythm)

Key word phrases or predicates

Anything else that you can observe…

To mirror another person, merely select the behavior or quality you wish to mirror, and then do that behavior. If you choose to mirror head tilt, when the person moves their head, wait a few moments, then move yours to the same angle. The effect should be as though the other person is looking in a mirror.

To mirror a person who has raised his right hand, you would raise your left hand (i.e. mirror image). To match this same person, you would raise your right-hand (doing exactly the same as the other person). Some practitioners see a time difference between mirroring and matching. For example, if someone makes hand gestures while they are speaking, you would wait until it was your turn to speak before making similar (matching) hand gestures.

The fact that you’ve read this far means that you can see the benefits of increasing your rapport skills. Reading is sadly not enough – practice is the key to building skill, so do the exercises. When you first start the practice of mirroring, you may have to pay some conscious attention to what you’re doing. After a while, however, you will start to catch yourself doing it unconsciously. This is where you really begin to build rapport elegantly!

And at times when a gesture is idiosyncratic to that person or otherwise to obvious, you can do crossover matching. Meaning, if they adjust their glasses, and you don’t wear any, then just move your foot. When you crossover match/mirror, you match/mirror a portion of the other person’s body, with a different portion of your own body. This is best to do when you are matching someone’s rate of breathing. You can use your finger to pace the rhythm of their breath. When matching or mirroring someone’s voice, do that with their tonality, volume, and the rate at which they speak. And remember you don’t have to do all of these things, just one or two will be enough to create rapport in most cases.

Skilled communicators have a wide range of behaviors they can mirror to build rapport. You can find a way to mirror virtually anything you can observe. When this is done elegantly, it is out of consciousness for the other person.

• However, a few notes of caution are appropriate:

• Mirroring is not the same as mimicry.

• It should be subtle and respectful.

• Mirroring can lead to you sharing the other person’s experience.

• Avoid mirroring people who are in distress or who have severe mental issues.

• Mirroring builds a deep sense of trust quickly, so use it with responsibility.

Practice with friends and family members to start and begin to match different aspects of their posture, gestures, voice and words. Have fun with it and notice if they begin to respond to your matching. At work or social events, start by matching one specific behavior, and once they and you feel comfortable, begin to add on another. With people whom you already have a sense of rapport, notice how often you naturally match their posture, gestures, tone of voice or words, This is because matching and mirroring comes naturally. Your outcome then should be to create rapport with anyone at any given moment, having it become automatic whenever you wish to deepen that sense of rapport.

Exercise 1
Practice mirroring the micro-behaviors of people on television (chat shows & interviews are ideal.) You may be surprised at how quickly you can become comfortable as you subtly mirror the behaviors of others.

Exercise 2
Choose a safe situation to practice mirroring an element of someone else’s behavior. When you have mirrored them for a while, and think you are in rapport with the person, scratch your nose. If they lift their hand to their face within the next minute or so, congratulate yourself – you have led their behavior!

Exercise 3
Increase the range of behaviors that you can mirror, and introduce deliberate rapport-building into situations where it will benefit you and others. Use your common sense and choose low-risk situations to practice in.)

Exercise 4
During a conversation with another person; choose one of their behaviors (e.g. breathing rate) to cross-over match with one of your behaviors (e.g. speaking rate.) Notice how quickly the sense of connection develops!

Backtracking is another excellent skill to learn in order to maintain and deepen rapport. When you are in conversation with another person, whether it be business or personal, take the opportunity to recite back to the person the information you’re receiving. This lets the person know that you were listening and you understand without judgment. It also allows you a chance to ensure your understanding and/or ask for clarification. Backtracking is the thread that tightens and deepens rapport. Backtracking is repeating back the essence, not verbatim, of what the person is attempting to communicate. There will be times when you’re backtracking, and the other person will add on or correct you. Being corrected will only strengthen rapport because you’ll then backtrack again and have the person really feel you understand. There is also the possibility being corrected will cause you to lose rapport.

However, losing rapport is just like losing your balance. You falter, recover, and get back into it again. When you do lose rapport you’ll find a way to regain it. There may also be times you want to be “out” of rapport with someone. For example if it isn’t healthy for you to be around certain people, you are held hostage at a cocktail party or you are doing it for effect. Typically people think the way to break rapport is to be demeaning or disagree. Although that may work I recommend mismatching. This means intentionally mismatch posture, breathing, key words/gestures, and voice quality. Rely on mismatching the nonverbal communication and you will be out of rapport. For those of you who like experiments try this: Disagree strongly and maintain rapport. Or agree completely while breaking rapport. And all experimenting should be done in a non-critical environment without judgment.

The key element in establishing, building, deepening and maintaining rapport is your ability to pay attention to the responses you receive. One presupposition of NLP, or assumed rules is; “Communication is the response we receive back, NOT our intention given.”

Lastly; behind any technique there must be an authenticity of caring and real concern for the other person. (See “Technicians Need Not Apply,”Anchor Point 1987.) If you practice these skills and have no real interest in the other person, rapport will not develop. If you don’t pay attention to the other person it doesn’t matter how proficient you become in your NLP techniques. It is the responses you get in return and your own flexibility that hold the ultimate power in establishing, maintaining and deepening rapport.

John James Santangelo C.Ht. nationally acclaimed speaker, seminar leader, and success coach has been a guiding force in empowering individuals, businesses, and corporations to excel at peak performance. Working with companies such as Learning Annex, CSUN-Northridge University, Mary Kay Inc, Well Point, Xerox, RE/MAX Realtors, the Teamsters Union, and the US Army counter-intelligence team. Whether you’re looking to fulfill short-term goals, meeting planner events, or corporate sales/communication trainings, John can help you achieve a new level of success! He is the author of Asking The Right Questions…” For more information on How to develop and master “Dynamic Communication Skills,” email: John@JohnSantangelo.com or www.LAnlp.com

How did these models come to be? As we grow up, we attempt to make sense of the world based on: our interpretation of our experiences, what we are told by others – particularly those in authority or those we respect (parents, teachers, religious leaders, …) – and what we tell ourselves.

Interpretation of Our Experiences. As children, we make decisions that will in some way keep us safe – avoid or minimize being abused (physically or verbally) or being abandoned. And often we assume we are the cause of whatever happened – e.g. the untimely death of our parents – and in so doing, vow at an unconscious level to never do that again. We establish mental models of the world that are intended to protect us from causing such upset in the future. As a result, we put ourselves at the effect of whatever happens and on the path of being a victim. As children, these mental models may serve us well. Yet, some of us carry these models, which operate at an unconscious level, into adulthood and wonder why we get the results we do and are not living the life we desire.

What We are Told by Others. Generally, parents or other adults are well-meaning in their disciplining or teaching of children. However the behaviors they select and words they use are often inappropriate and when interpreted through the eyes and ears of a young child take on a different meaning. Consider the parent who desperately wants to see their child succeed and says to their child, for example “If you keep acting this way, you will grow up to be no good.” This type of motivation may satisfy the parent’s need; however the child may hear and begin to develop a mental model of ‘I am no good.’ A recent study by researchers at Iowa State University found in a typical family with children aged two to eight that the ratio of negative to positive comments said by parents to their children was 13:1. That is for every positive comment, children heard thirteen negative comments. If as a child, you lived in this type of environment, what mental model did you form about yourself, others and the world around you?

What We Tell Ourselves. We are talking to ourselves all of the time – often at an unconscious level. We tell ourselves how wonderful we are or how badly we messed up. For many of us, negative thoughts are far, far more frequent than positive thoughts. Although each thought by itself is insignificant, these thoughts can build up over time – just like the insignificant tiny coral polyps that come together to form massive coral reefs – thus forming barriers to what we truly want and desire in life.

To overcome this conditioning, we need to become consciously aware of our mental models and explore the origins of our thoughts and the beliefs and values (which are often not ours but someone else’s) that we assumed during our childhood. Begin by paying attention to your daily thoughts and judgments about yourself and about others. As you do, get curious about the underlying beliefs and values that you are operating from, especially their origin and explore the possibility that these thoughts, judgments, beliefs and values may be incorrect. You can also explore the positive intention behind these beliefs and values (e.g. safety) and consider if the positive intention is still relevant (e.g. worked for you as a child but not as an adult) or if it can be obtained in a different manner – a manner that delivers fewer negative side-effects and more positive benefits. On a daily basis, you may wish to experiment with new behaviors – not dictated by your old thoughts – and notice the changes you can make in your interpretation of what is and isn’t possible for you. As you implement new behaviors, you may not always be successful. At these times, remember the words of Thomas Alva Edison “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

This article is based on Roger’s book Live Your Dreams Let Reality Catch Up: NLP and Common Sense for Coaches, Managers and You , which you can buy from Amazon.com.

It can be easier than you think to “get that feeling back.” That’s exactly the type of situation when you’d want to use the NLP process known as setting an anchor.

How to Set an Anchor

Start by just daydreaming about how it felt back then. Jot down notes if you can. Then answer these type questions (feel free to ask any questions you like).

How did it feel overall? Is there anywhere on your body you felt it strongly? What kind of feeling was it? Strong, mild, fluttery, tingling? What? Do everything you can to recreate exactly how it was for you back then.

How were you sitting or standing? How did you carry yourself?

What did you hear from others? Compliments? Encouragement?

Do you remember anything negative? Write it down.

Do you recall what you saw? Were you in a certain place? Was the sky a certain color, etc. Get every detail you can as vividly as possible.

You considered going into the health field? What type of work, exactly?

Write down every detail, and when you really feel it, just like you felt it back then, reach down and squeeze your knee.

That’s creating an anchor. Then, try again, all the same steps as above, ask yourself the same questions and then this time, remembering as intensly as you can, squeeze your knee again. It may sound silly but it really works.

To test if it’s working, stand up, shake it off – think of the last movie you saw (think of anything else, just to get your mind clear). Get all the thoughts out of your mind, and when your mind is a blank, sit down, and squeeze your knee. Your thoughts will probably go to the good feelings, and memories of what it felt like when you were getting in shape that time.

That’s how you “set an anchor.”

Anchors like this are how you switch thoughts from negative to positive in the blink of an eye. If you are feeling bad, you just say, “Hey, this isn’t right,” reach down and squeeze your knee, and whoosh, you have those memories again.

The memories are something that can help put those feelings front and center for you again, and that’s what you want, to get back those feelings. Once you have those feelings, even if just a bit, you’ll become motivated to do what it takes to produce those feelings more and more, and maybe even pursue that a career in a health field.

~~ Kathryn Martyn, Master NLP Practitioner, EFT counselor, author of the free e-book: Changing Beliefs, Your First Step to Permanent Weight Loss, and owner of OneMoreBite-Weightloss.com

I get asked all the time, “Lorrie, how can I make my copy more persuasive?” Well frankly it helps if you can speak your prospect’s language. But writing persuasively is more involved than just saying the right words. You need to say them in the right order…and in a way that lowers resistance to new information and is acceptable to his or her mind. One discipline that translates nicely to writing persuasive copy is NLP or Neuro Linguistic Programming.

NLP isn’t a replacement for good copywriting. It’s a turbo boost. Meeting a person on his or her own level by using familiar words puts YOU in control of the communication almost immediately.

Have you ever been moved to buy a pair of sexy shoes instead of the sensible, comfy shoes you really needed? But when you got home you didn’t know how you got over the resistance of spending the money? See, people understand the RESULT of making a purchasing decision, but are often unaware of the internal recipe that gets them there. We all know we tend to buy based on emotion over logic. In fact, most buying decisions are largely emotional.

WHO’S RIGHT ANYWAY?

We can all agree there are two sides to the brain, correct? The left (logical) and the right (emotional). Interesting fact: information is first perceived by the emotional right brain. Then within a fraction of a second, it shoots over to the logical left. Then finally, once again, is reflected to the emotional right. In other words, every message we get is influenced by the emotional right brain. Pretty fascinating, huh?

Here is the basic principle of NLP as I understand it. There is no mental resistance to an idea you perceive as your own. And whenever any of us engages our imagination, we think we came up with the idea ourselves. So it must be great!!! It aligns with our own beliefs so it’s unconsciously accepted as being the truth and you act as if it’s true. So NLP always prefers to presuppose that changes can be made quickly and automatically. So let’s cover some NLP principles and how to use it in the art of persuasive writing.

PACING

Pacing is putting yourself in the prospect’s shoes through languaging. Look at David Ogilvy (one of the greatest advertising masters who ever lived) as an example. His first headline for Rolls Royce didn’t come from HIS mind, but that of an engineer at the factory. Ogilvy was told, “You know David, the loudest noise from this Rolls Royce comes from the clock on the dashboard at 60 miles an hour.” And David thought this man, this engineer must know something because he’s constantly in the flow about changes and revisions and everything happening at the Rolls Royce factory. So David did his research and made a connection. I’m not suggesting the engineer was deliberately using NLP on David, but it’s an illustration of how we as humans connect the dots and are able to write persuasively as a result.

Though similar to empathy, pacing is a bit more complex. In pacing, you actually encourage the prospect to use visualization or other accessing cues in a very subtle and vague way. These are the same communication skills of matching, mirroring and rapport that allow you to pace and lead someone to the sale.

NLP Master Ross Jeffries says, “People will not accept that you are an authority on where they should go unless they accept you’re an authority on where they are at.”

In other words, if you’re reading a letter or listening to a podcast, it makes sense for me as a writer to mirror that experience for you. Then you subtly relax:

• “As you’re sitting there reading this letter…”
• “As you are sitting in front of your computer…”
• “While you are listening to this broadcast…”

Any of those phrases have you and the prospect share an experience, which moves him or her toward the sale. Have you ever met someone and felt an instant kinship with that person? Or on the other hand, met someone who you just could never quite get on the same wave length?

What if you knew how to get on that person’s “wave-length”? You would have a totally different outcome – the outcome you wanted! That’s the importance of defining your target audience (or my own term, TAR-KET). You can communicate with that one person because you have already defined him or her.

PRESUPPOSITION OF AWARENESS

This technique also ties to speaking directly to your own target market. (If people don’t have their target market nailed down, it doesn’t matter how good their copy is. It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to sell beef to a vegetarian. It’s just not going to work. So you really have to zone in on your target market.)

The way you do that is to understand your product. Figure out where they shop, where they eat, what they look like. Are they a family or are they single? Do they have dogs or not? Do they live in a rural area or the city? These keys make a huge difference when you are trying to figure out who your target market is. When I write my copy, I write to one person. I visualize everything about them so it’s very real to me when I start to write. I would suggest that you funnel down your target market to your TARKET as much as possible. That’s how you’re able to give them the illusion. You’ve given them information and the mind fills in the blanks. The more specific the better is what I’m saying.

In this technique you direct the conscious mind of the reader by assuming something is true. So you speak to him or her as if something has already happened. Here are some examples:

• “As you become aware of…”
• “As you recognize …”
• “I’m not sure just how excited you can get about this offer but…”

The proper use of language patterns in written words means you communicate by tonal shifts, tempo shifts etc, following the patterns of a question, a statement, or a command. We invite people to share our certainty about our product or service by using an intonation of a command or a statement like “Do you agree?”

PRESUPPOSITION OF TIME

This concept piggybacks onto the previous one. You build on the prospect’s experience of awareness by adding in the element of time. Examples:

• “Before you order today…”
• “After you make your decision to order…”
• “While you are filling out your order form…”

Use language patterns to move yourself and others in a direction that results in a win-win situation. The truth is that we are selling ourselves every day, all day long. Doesn’t it make a lot of sense to use communication skills like NLP to lead someone where you want them to go? And the more that happens, the more successful you will be with your copy.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

International copywriting trainer, author and speaker, Lorrie Morgan-Ferrero has been a freelance writer and journalist for over 25 years. Her words have made her clients hundreds of thousands of dollars. Now she focuses her vast experience on teaching others the skill of copywriting. Lorrie is the author of an award winning copywriting course, creator of the Red Hot Copywriting Bootcamp and founder of Copy Campus, a unique membership resource site designed to support copywriters and entrepreneurs on all levels. Visit her site to learn more at http://www.red-hot-copy.com .

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As an NLP master practitioner who runs an NLP practice in Herts, I am one of the first to sing the praises of NLP as a therapy tool, as I believe it can be a really effective instrument for change work, when used in the hands of a good NLP practitioner.

However, as an occupational therapist, and having worked in mainstream NHS mental-healthcare, I also believe that NLP at times sends out a misleading vibe, which cannot be said of some of the more traditional therapies. By this I mean that NLP can give the impression of being this magical therapy that will cure people in minutes, when years of psychotherapy, counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy etc. has had little or no effect.

The result of this misconception about NLP, is that clients can turn up for a consultation at NLP Herts, expecting the therapist to wave her magic wand, with little or no effort on their part. Like all therapies, NLP relies heavily on the client’s commitment and motivation to want to change.

A good therapist or NLP practitioner will want evidence of this commitment, in terms of the client being willing to engage fully in the process, particularly spending initial therapy sessions learning the fundamental principles of NLP such as the major frames, the communication model and presuppositions.

It is crucial for the client to ‘buy into’ these principles such as the frame ‘being at cause’ and to fully understand the impact of the way they filter life experiences on their state and behaviour, before any of the ‘magic’ can begin.

Unlike other therapies, NLP does have specific techniques such as the Fast Phobia Cure, Swish, Change Personal History and Parts Integration that are rather glamorous. In my opinion, these techniques do work very well, only always when they are supplemented by the more mundane psycho-educational work.

I recently had a highly agitated client turn up for a therapy consultation expecting that I could ‘do something’ immediately to help him feel better. This client had experience of other more traditional therapies and my hunch is that he would not of expected the same of his psychotherapist!

NLP is not about a therapist doing a technique on a client that will solve all their problems in an instant. It is a highly effective therapy that can lead to new options in thinking and behaviour when the client works alongside the therapist. Like other therapies such as CBT, NLP strategies and any new positive behavioural and emotional habits require practice and hard work by the client.

So, if your looking for a quick fix, NLP isn’t it! And any practitioner that tells you otherwise is probably after your money. Don’t let this put you off seeking NLP. It is very effective and if you want change in your life and are prepared to work towards it with the therapists support, you will have change. NLP is available at NLP Herts.

Karen Hastings is a NHS experienced mental health occupational therapist, Master NLP practitioner and hypnotherapist. Karen uses hypnotherapy in Hertfordshire, along with cognitive therapy approaches. For more information about Hypnotherapy, Herts visit http://www.karenhastings.co.uk

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Do You Believe You Can Stop Eating?

Think about your belief in your ability to break this simple habit. The habit of eating when you’re not hungry. The habit of needing to feel stuffed to be satisfied. You can break the pattern, even if you don’t believe you can. It happens when you first simply stop eating a little sooner. You may still have over eaten, but your level of stuffed can be qualified, and you know when you’ve had enough, too much, or way too much. Start by learning to leave one bite on your plate. (Even a smear counts, whatever it takes to leave a teeny bit, it’s a start).

I know, that idea may seem radical, but it’s a great way to discover how you’ve eaten everything on your plate because it’s a habit to do so. Even if you only leave one pea, leave something on your plate. Secondly, just because there is more on the serving plate, don’t think you need to take more food. Wait a few minutes. Settle in. Get comfortable with the feeling of satisfaction. Get in touch with your hunger levels.

Do You Recognize Hunger Signals

I remember learning to recognize my hunger levels and the shock (and dismay) when I’d realize I’d had enough but half my food was still on my plate. I learned to ask for a doggy bag, take it home and eat in the next day. I learned to sometimes fix myself less food. I learned half a sandwich is sometimes enough. I learned a piece of fruit can satisfy my greatest hunger, for now, while I wait for dinner to cook. I learned, and so will you, when you just start to pay attention.

You can still have it all, but maybe you’ll eat half now and half later, and that’s okay.

Small Shifts Equal Big Change

Small shifts in your beliefs about what you can accomplish may take a bit of time, but when you do make the shift it will seem sudden and it will be permanent. Ask anyone who’s lost a lot of weight and kept it off, and they’ll tell you, “I don’t know, something just suddenly clic.ked.” You can experience this sudden shift too.

Start today by noticing how much food you’re being offered when you aren’t hungry. Can you take some and save it for later? Just because the holidays are here is not an excuse to eat everything in sight. Thinking you’ll start your diet in January is a cop-out. Why put it off until then? Why not get started right now?

Get more in tune with what you do day-to-day and you can let go of the fear of either suffering through another diet or gaining more weight, or losing it and then regaining it. You don’t have to choose between stuffing or starving. You can learn to eat good food, enjoy it more, and melt into the shape you truly are meant to be.

~~ Kathryn Martyn, Master NLP Practitioner, EFT counselor, Weight Loss Coach and owner of One More Bite Weight Loss is the author of “Changing Beliefs, Your First Step to Permanent Weight Loss.”

Learn to use Kathryn’s One More Bite Approach with The Daily Bites: Mini lessons in using EFT for weight loss http://www.OneMoreBite-WeightLoss.com/getnews.html

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By: Vincent Gray

As you probably know, the more real you make your visualizations the more power they have and the sooner they manifest in your life.

If you have seen The Secret, (if not go get it as soon as possible and watch it) you will remember the scene where you are asked to look at your hands then visualize those hands around the steering wheel of your new car.

For me this was one of the most realistic and powerful visualization exercises I have ever done. Helped a lot by the sound of the cars engine in the movie.

It got me thinking to seminar I had been on where the trainer asked us to take something physical in our hands. In this case it was a rock. Look at the item and study it in great detail. Take 2/3 minutes studying the rock. It can be a chain or anything you choose, however make sure its the same item you use every time.

After 2/3 minutes of studying the rock. Close your eyes and visualize your goal. See it in great detail, hear the sounds, feel the feelings of having achieved it. Make it as real as possible so that you are certain it will manifest in your life.

Now to supercharge the reality of this visualization. See the rock you were studying in the visualization. See it in your hand in your visualization.

And since you have been studying it for 3 minutes you know exactly what it should look like. In fact your are still holding the rock in your hand in reality as well as in the visualization. This is the link between the real and the imagined.

By holding the rock and seeing the rock in your hand in the visualization – you are making the visualization so real you can touch it (in fact your are touching the rock)

Now let that feeling of reality spread out to the rest of the visualization and see how much more powerful real it feels.

Until the next time.

Do you want to find out the best visualization tool I have found. It uses all your senses, reminds you when to visualize and is absolutely amazing. Go to http://www.dream-manifesto.com now!

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By: Arman Darini, Ph.D.

All right, good to be talking with you again. Today we’ll take a deep dive inside THE single most important ability you have as a human being. If you are poor in this area, then… well, it’s rough to be you. And if you excel at it, then the whole world is at your fingertips. However, even if you excel at it, I know that you are not nearly as good as you can be. How come I know?

Because all of us without exception (ok, maybe there are a few extraordinary individuals out there) were NOT taught this ability. We picked it up at random in the childhood, by watching adults, who in their turn picked it up at random in their childhood, ad infinum. Somewhere at the beginning of this great ancestral chain is a not-so-smart monkey, if you catch my drift.
So you have more chances of winning a lottery – twice, than being really good at it right now. But, I *know* from years of training experience, that you CAN become *amazingly* good at it. With results so far reaching and important for your life, that your grand grandma will wake up and hug me for teaching you this skill.

“Enough of pulling my leg. WHAT IS IT?”

*Drum roll* Decisions, decisions, decisions. How well (or how badly) you make decisions. Not any specific decision, but how good is your *process* of deciding. Bet you never even thought about that!

During the last 100 years, psychologists have studied how people make decisions. How great generals do it, how Olympic champions do it, how house moms with ten kids do it, how lonely priests do it. The results are inspiring.

They (psychologists) have figured out the structure of extraordinary decision making AND the most common psychological traps all of us fall into. I will talk about some of the most frequent traps that your mind stumbles in (trust us, it does – hundreds of experiments have verified this) in the next article. Today we are taking a closer look at the structure of extraordinary decision making.

The structure is the sequence of steps you must follow to get the result you want. If you skip or change the steps, you get different results. If you mess up excellent decision making steps, you get messed up results. Of course, once you become an excellent decision maker, you can be more creative with the steps, but until then it pays to follow what those people do who are already amazing at it.

There are three steps to extraordinary decision making:
1) Frame the problem.
2) Collect information.
3) Draw conclusions.

Let’s look at each of these steps in detail.

First, you frame the problem by asking a specific question that you want answered: Do I want Chinese or Italian today? How do I double my salary? Where can I find the love of my life? That question forms the frame for the decision, because it highlights some aspects of the problem while pushing others into the shadow. EVERY question that you can possibly ask will focus your attention on one thing and hide another thing. For example, I might have also liked to get some sushi, but that alternative is outside the frame. It might be just as easily possible to triple my salary, but that’s outside the frame. Maybe instead of searching for my love, it’s better to wait and have her find me, but that’s outside the frame as well.

The moment you frame the problem, you delete chunks of reality from the consideration. So be careful what you delete. Way too often the initial decision frame crops the best alternatives out. Examine a few decisions you made recently – how much time did you spend on framing the problem? It should be 5-20% of the total decision making time.

Second, you collect information that you don’t already know. And this is key. What you think you don’t know and what you actually don’t know are light years apart. Time and time again, experiments have confirmed that we are GROSSLY overconfident in our knowledge (we don’t have the time or the inclination to do it here, but at our trainings we demonstrate that fact to you beyond any doubt – it’s highly worth having this etched into your mind).

The single best strategy to avoid overconfidence (let’s not confuse confidence with competence here) is to ask disconfirming questions. You are probably used to asking questions that confirm your intuitions and beliefs. You need to do just the opposite – ask questions that disconfirm your opinions. For example, suppose one of your alternatives for doubling the salary is to get a second job. A confirming question would be: “How will getting a second job double my salary?” A disconfirming question would be: ‘How can getting a second job fail to double my salary?” Think of it as playing the devil’s advocate with your decision alternatives. Only then you can make sure you have got solid, high quality information essential for extraordinary decision making.

Third, you take all the information and the decision objectives, and make the best conclusion. How you come to the conclusion is important. Some people flip coins, others hesitate until they grow so frustrated they latch onto the first conclusion they see. Yet others trust their intuition, and a few even apply linear models (weighing pros and cons). None of these is the best all the time, each has its own uses. I personally would flip a coin to decide on the restaurant, weigh pros and cons to triple my salary, and trust my intuition to find the love of my life (don’t try this last one yet – intuition CAN be an incredible tool, but you have to develop it first, lest it gets confused with inner chat). What’s important is that you are aware of the method you use to draw conclusions, and know when to use it and when to switch to something more effective.

So there you have it, extraordinary decision making in a nutshell. Of course, to master it you need a few more details. And lots of practice, the opportunity for which, luckily, happens several hundred times a day.

You’ve just read TIP #84 FOR CREATING AN EXTRAORDINARY AND MEANINGFUL LIFE brought to you by Holographic University. To get the next Tip visit us at:

http://www.HolographicUniversity.com/magazinesignup.php?w=Tip84

May You Be Happy!
- Arman Darini, Ph.D.

Arman Darini, Ph.D. is the director of Holographic University, the author of weekly Tips for Creating an Extraordinary and Meaningful Life, and a certified international http://www.HolographicUniversity.com/nlpguide.php Trainer. As the leader of a dynamic team of Life Trainers and Coaches, Arman’s motto is “I don’t believe in your limitations”. To learn more about Arman, visit http://www.ArmanDarini.com

Article Source: http://www.articleonlinedirectory.com

By: Michelle Rowley
How to Be Happy -20 Tips That Really Work!
from Michelle Rowley, author of “Personal Growth Strategies”.

Tip 1 Have a positive attitude. One of the most significant, contributing factors to happiness is optimistic thinking. Although you won’t always have a choice in determining what goes on around you, you will always have a choice in determining how react to what goes on around you. This will largely determine the extent to which you are, or aren’t happy.

Tip 2 Make happiness a priority. If happiness is not at the top of your list then other things will take your focus. We become what we think about all day, so think, positive happy thoughts. It’s a choice, moment by moment.

Tip 3 Live your values. Be true to yourself. By living your life according to your values, you will develop an attitude of true acceptance of yourself. You will realize that you are fine the way you are. You may choose to make some changes in your life simply because you realize that you have greater potential than you have utilized so far.

Tip 4 Love Yourself. High self-esteem is crucial for a happy life. Healthy self-esteem means relying on what’s on the inside, rather than what’s happening in the outside world to make you happy. Self-esteem is the core of your power and all else stems from this.

Tip 5 Set goals for success. Give your mind a positive goal to focus on. Just like in any other life area, the successful pursuit of happiness requires planning. Planning requires effective goal setting. And don’t forget to make sure your goals are SMART (specific,measurable, achievable, relevant and timed).

Tip 6 Do things that make you happy. Although this sounds obvious, many people simply forget to do things from which they gain pleasure. And do them as often as possible.

Tip 7 Live in the present moment. Remember that life is finite. The author, Henry Miller once said “Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such. ”The only moment in which we can truly be happy is the present moment. The only moment over which we have control is the present moment. So be happy now! Because if not now, then when?

Tip 8 Have a laugh Laughing is one of the quickest ways to send our happiness levels soaring. A Stanford University study showed that one minute of laughter equaled 10 minutes on a rowing machine in terms of warding off stress.

Tip 9 Engage in random acts of kindness. Did you know that by simply being kind to another person or witnessing a kind act boosts your serotonin levels in you and the other person? It also increases the levels in another person witnessing the act. Happy people are more generous and altruistic.

Tip 10 Eat your way to happiness. Fuel up on fish: Fish are high in omega-3s which boost your happiness. Eat complex carbohydrates – this means wholegrain bread, starchy vegetables, beans and pulses, and wholegrain cereals. MIT scientists say these boost the brain’s levels of serotonin, which plays a big role in how happy we feel. Take Tryptophan. Found in turkey, avocados and bananas, tryptophan promotes the production of serotonin. A study published in the journal Brain, Behavior and Immunity found a lack of tryptophan can lower your mood levels. Don’t forget to take a good amino acid supplement- more and more information is coming out that we need to be supplementing our diets with the building blocks of protein- amino-acids.

Tip 11 Go, go and keep going all the way. We all face obstacles and problems at times. Happy people expect this and adapt to them. All of the components outlined above are skills that can be learned. Just like any other skills, you’ll get better at utilizing these strategies with practice and perseverance. Stick at it and happiness will be yours.

Tip 12 Focus on your strengths, not weaknesses. Work out what you’re good at and find ways to do it as much as possible. Happiness is not as much about fixing your faults and overcoming your weaknesses as it is about finding ways to focus your life on and around your talents and qualities.

Tip 13 Have fun and enjoy humor Take delight in life and create fun experiencesfor yourself. Don’t make life be too heavy!

Tip 14 Control what you can control. Cultivate the feeling that you are in control of your own destiny. Happiness can be enhanced by maximizing the control you have over your life. So learn and practice skills such as problem solving, time management and meditation and communication. At the same time, however, no one has complete control and so it is also important to be realistic and to accept that over which you have no control. Accept what youcan’t control. And learn to change problems into opportunities for growth and development.

Tip 15 Invest time and energy in to your key relationships. Happy people spend more time working on, and in, their relationships. Happy people tend to be more supportive of other people in their life.

Tip 16 When a problems arises see what you can learn from itEverything you do and every person you meet, in every situation, presents an opportunity to learn, change and grow. Every situation you find yourself in can be a great opportunity to expand yourself. There is always something to learn from a problem. This is the same for problems in a relationship. Look at problems as challenges to learn and grow from both for yourselves and your relationship.

Tip 17 Replace negative self talk with positive self talkThe Dalai Lama has been quoted saying that “The central method for achieving a happier life is to train your mind in a daily practice that weakens negative attitudes and strengthens positive ones.” Learn first to identify your negativethoughts and then begin to challenge those that are negative and unhelpful.

Tip 18 Ensure you get adequate sleep, rest, exercise and waterListen to your body and what it is telling you. You need to take care of yourself and this also involves getting plenty of rest, drinking at least 8 glasses of water each day and relaxation and/or meditation strategies. Exercise regularly. Exercising produces endorphins or “happy” hormones.

Tip 19 Develop a sense of life purpose. Developing a sense of life purpose will also markedly increase your chances of experiencing true happiness. As well as working out where you want to get to, make sure you have a good reason for why you’re trying to go there.

Tip 20 Be grateful and appreciate what you have. We all have many choices in life, one of which is whether to focus on all the things we don’t have (of which theremight be many), or to focus on all the things we do have. There’s no doubt, that gratitude and appreciation will significantly increase your chances of experiencing happiness

Many of the tips listed here are described in more detail in the ebook,Personal Growth Strategies http://www.personal-growth-strategies.com/

About the Author

Michelle Rowley is a Master Practitioner of NLP, Timeline Therapy™ and Hypnotherapy and is certified by their respective American Boards. She is the author of Personal Growth Strategies. http://www.personal-growth-strategies.com

Article Source: http://www.articleonlinedirectory.com

By: Arman Darini, Ph.D.

Good to be connecting with you again. Our topic for today is common and deadly decision traps, and how to avoid them. Recall that in the previous article we spoke about the structure of extraordinary decision making, and I explained the steps you have to follow to make excellent outcomes happen. As you follow the steps, it’s important to watch out for a handful of places where most people consistently make mistakes. I will point out two of them today, explain how to sidestep each one and top it off with a simple way to turn hesitation into decisiveness. Your job, of course, is to be honest with yourself, notice what you need to work on, and learn how to improve your decision muscle.

FIRST TRAP of plunging in:

Ok, the first major trap happens even before the deciding starts. It’s the trap of plunging in headfirst into the deciding without pausing to answer one critical question: What’s the essence of the problem?

Let’s take our decision example from last week: “How do I double my salary?” If you jump in to answer this question without thinking, you might answer the wrong question altogether. Ask yourself first: “What’s the essence of the problem?” Are you even seeing the different possibilities? Consider these and notice just how much they differ:
- You need to make more money.
- You want to feel that your work is valued appropriately.
- You are looking for another challenge.
- Your spouse is beating you over the head demanding that you earn more.
- You want to bolster your self-esteem.

Do you see how each of these completely changes the underlying decision, and will necessarily lead to different alternatives and outcomes? For example, if you are looking for another challenge, then you won’t take up the job washing dishes in a restaurant. If, on the other hand, it’s about your self-esteem, then the simplest solution might be invest in a couple of hours of NLP coaching to quickly improve your self-esteem that way.

If you are not aware of the essence of the problem, then you will randomly pick one and it’s often the wrong one. Just think how many times have you thought you really wanted something, went out and bought it, and a few days later felt as dissatisfied as your were before the purchase. You’ve been solving the wrong problem!

SECOND TRAP of frame blindness:

The second major decision trap is frame blindness. Recall from the last newsletter that framing the decision happens in languaging the question that you pose. Framing is inevitable, and it brings some aspects of the problem into the focus, while pushing others into the background.

One subtle and influential frame effect is hidden inside the unspoken beliefs you have about what is possible. These beliefs form the boundaries of your map of the world. If you don’t believe it is possible to triple your salary, then your decision frame will exclude this alternative. If you believe that it is hard to find someone who will love you wholeheartedly, then you will refuse to consider the easy opportunities to meeting such person.

Your beliefs frame your reality. And you know what? Most of them are arbitrary. What’s even worse, most of the beliefs you’ve got were installed into your mind without your awareness by your well-meaning family, friends, school, and culture. Unfortunately well-meaning is not the same as wise. All this happened when you were a small child and quite gullible. If we laid out your beliefs on a flat table in front of your eyes and you examined them right now, you would find many of them silly, outdated and false.

So, how can you avoid this trap of unspoken beliefs? Whenever you pose a decision question, ask yourself: “What will always remain true in any answer to this question?” Take, for instance, the decision: “How do I double my salary?” Regardless of the answer, you will be looking for ways to increase the salary and not to save the money. And you will be looking for a job where someone pays you a salary. Once the beliefs presupposed by the question become clear, choose whether you want to expand the frame or leave it as it is. (As an exercise, count all the unspoken beliefs inside the “Where can I find the love of my life?” decision.)

All right, enough about traps. You’ve listened attentively, you’ve learned well, you followed the extraordinary decision making steps and you carefully avoided the traps. Now is finally the right time to make the decision and take the first action. BUT, what’s that? What are those unbidden questions in your mind: “Have I really thought this through?” “Is there something I haven’t considered?” “What else could I do?”

Stalling. Hesitating. Feeling afraid of closing the doors on other opportunities. Because by making the decision you commit to one path and close off all the others. If you are of the kind that likes to keep her options open, then deciding means trouble.

Oh-oh. What to do? Well, if I was your coach working with you 1 on 1, then there are a few hundred of different possibilities we could explore to find the right solution for you. But, not having this luxury, here is a cookie cutter approach that often works right out of the box. Ask yourself: “How many opportunities am I missing right now by deciding to become rigid with hesitation?” Most people rarely consider the cost of not making the decision right away, and so rarely feel the urgency. This question moves you beyond hesitation into action. And, as you well know, decisions are lifeless until you take the first step. NOW.

You’ve just read TIP #85 FOR CREATING AN EXTRAORDINARY AND MEANINGFUL LIFE brought to you by Holographic University. To get the next Tip visit us at:

http://www.HolographicUniversity.com/magazinesignup.php?w=Tip85

May You Be Happy!
- Arman Darini, Ph.D.

Arman Darini, Ph.D. is the director of Holographic University, the author of weekly Tips for Creating an Extraordinary and Meaningful Life, and a certified international http://www.HolographicUniversity.com/nlpguide.php Trainer. As the leader of a dynamic team of Life Trainers and Coaches, Arman’s motto is “I don’t believe in your limitations”. To learn more about Arman, visit http://www.ArmanDarini.com

Article Source: http://www.articleonlinedirectory.com